Ease the Pain
by Disappearing Boy
Summary: 15-year old Jess Aarons has never quite recovered from Leslie's death. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

It had been five years since she left me. Seemed like a lifetime. It's really hard for me to describe what happened after Leslie died, but I'll try.

So just after the accident, I was completely numb. And I guess I was too young to fully understand what had happened. I mean at first, I didn't believe it, didn't want to even hear it. When my sister first told me, and even when everyone else said it was true, it just didn't seem possible. But Leslie didn't go to school that week, didn't call, wasn't anywhere to be found. Finally, I realized that she was gone forever and wasn't coming back.

The way it set in gradually was like a knife slowly twisting in my gut. I wanted desperately for it just to be one long nightmare that I would wake up from, but I never did. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very restfully for some time.

Of course, my family left me alone after that. Everybody did. Even if they hadn't, I wouldn't have cared anyway. There's something about your best friend dying that makes you immune to trivial things like bullying, keeping up with chores, or getting in trouble. I tried to trick myself like that for awhile - that Leslie had helped me even after death, and that it was a good thing.

I also kept myself busy with May Belle. She took to Terabithia like a natural, filling Leslie's space immediately. I used to bring her there almost every day. And it was enough, for awhile. Heck, she was still just a little kid who adored her brother, and I didn't want to stop my routine of going to Terabithia. We did everything that me and Leslie used to do. It was fun. I liked it.

But that didn't last. You know how kids are - occupied for one moment and then onto something new. Simply put, the place lost its charm to her, lost its charm to me, and we went less and less until we stopped altogether. It's not even that I had more important things to do, because I didn't. I just wasted the time at home, watching TV, and kept up with running. I pretty much forgot Terabithia, forgot the magic of it, and pushed Leslie into the back of my mind.

And of course, there was puberty. It was two or three years later that I really started to change. Seems like I just woke up one morning to find myself two inches taller than before. And then a few weeks later, I was taller than everyone in my family except for my dad. So that kept me busy for awhile, as I started noticing girls at school more and all that. Had crushes. They came and went, nothing lasted. This is usual for most boys that age - so I've heard.

Then something strange happened.

May Belle was growing up, too. It was at her ninth birthday that relatives were commenting on how much taller she'd gotten, and that's when I thought I had seen something similar before. Later, I realized that she was starting to resemble Leslie. I mean, she looked more like Leslie than my older sisters even, with a skinny athletic figure she had developed by going on runs with me sometimes, more so than most girls anyway. Momma never would have encouraged her daughters to do that kind of stuff, but May Belle always followed me, and I guess Momma pitied me too much to make her stop.

When I really looked at her, the resemblance was clear. And that was probably the beginning of the end for me. It stirred shit up that I had buried deep down at the age of 10. For a long time, Leslie Burke had only come back to me in my worst nightmares. I'd wake up in a cold sweat but just go back to sleep, and everything would be forgotten by morning. Not anymore. For some reason, I couldn't shake it.

It got so that I kept replaying the old days with her over and over again in my head. It was like a constant loop of regret and depression that just hurt more with each passing day. I couldn't seem to block it out, with school or anything. The guilt had crept back, found its way into the pit of my stomach, and stayed lodged there. Night after night, I would cry myself to sleep thinking about her.

And why not? I mean, I neglected her – my best and only friend – for one second, and that was enough to end her young life. There was just no getting past that fact. I was old enough by now to comprehend death.

The day she would have turned 14, I visited her grave for the first time in years. It took me awhile to find the thing amidst the other gravestones, but it was still there. Her ashes were scattered somewhere down below. Long weeds had grown around the base, and it looked largely unkempt, forgotten. I guess Bill and Linda never returned.

**_Here lies Leslie Burke_**

**_1967-1977_**

I wanted to say something just then, but I didn't know how. Seemed that words wouldn't even do it justice.

So I just cried. I fell on my knees and just bawled my eyes out right there, for the whole world to see, until I was out of tears. Then I went home.


	2. Chapter 2

I think the next few months were the worst for me. I left the track team, for one. That was probably a mistake. The sport was something that kept my mind occupied, as it always had. It relaxed me, got me away from the stress of real life. But now it just didn't seem right. Every time I went out for a jog, I'd keep hearing Leslie's distinct laugh ahead of me, a whisper in the wind, daring me to catch up. Running simply wasn't the same without my old partner.

And even worse, the hazing started back up again when I entered high school.

I had largely reverted back to my old ways of solitude, and that fact wasn't lost on the upperclassmen. It was worse this time around. Because I stopped running, some guys started calling me a quitter, loser, things like that. Progressed to shoving in the gym locker room, and pretty soon I couldn't get away from it as I became the punching bag, not just for my grade, but for the whole school it seemed. I'm not going to go into details. Suffice it to say, I'd wake up every morning, dreading the next seven hours, go through hell, and then just retreat to my room to wind down.

At night, I contemplated life and all that had happened to me, and I found no redeeming features whatsoever. It was only those few months with Leslie that I had ever been truly happy. Now that time was gone forever and haunting me about what was, and more importantly, what could have been.

I questioned my religion, too. Does every kid do that? Probably. I started to think that Leslie might have been right, after all. I had seen no proof of God. And it seemed like the more I needed help, the more He ignored me. I'd plead at night for Him to ease my pain - for just a single day of respite - and especially for Leslie, but there was never any answer. If anything, my life just got worse.

I literally felt cast away, left for dead. Rejected by my last hope. And the misery continued.

I turned 15 in the middle of the school year. The date was completely forgotten. I didn't even realize it had been another year until May Belle said "Happy Birthday" to me that morning. She gave me her present; a new art set. It took me by surprise, all right. I got a little choked up, and she thought that it was because I was happy, but it really wasn't.

I went to Leslie's grave again that day. Still couldn't believe that I was 15 already; couldn't fathom that she would never be this age, and that made me feel as guilty as ever. It didn't exactly put me in the best spirits as I walked through the cemetery. Well, I got to her grave, and this time, I still struggled to find the right words.

"Hey Leslie." I hadn't spoken aloud in a long time, and my voice cracked.

"It's Jess, remember? ... Oh God, I'm so, so sorry. Please... Please forgive me," I begged.

But there was no answer.

"I need you. Please, Leslie, I need your help."

I cut school the next few days to sit in the graveyard. And the more I thought about it, the more I kept coming to the conclusion that there was only one option left.

It wasn't a choice now, far from it. I didn't know exactly where I was going to end up afterwards, but I had an idea. I was hopeful... TOO hopeful, maybe, but at that point, it was all I had left. I stayed up whole nights thinking about my plan. It was delusion, really. I was too far gone by that point. Everything had fallen apart, and I just couldn't make it through the rest of high school without her, let alone the rest of my life.

The next rain came soon enough. And just as I hoped, it rained the whole day, and the weather forecast called for more showers the next. I decided that night to really go through with it.

So dawn came, and I woke at the alarm. It was a Saturday morning. Everyone would still be in bed for awhile, but I wanted to go as soon as possible.

May Belle was sleeping when I walked into her room. She looked so peaceful, so innocent. I knew that she would grow up to be a good person, just like Leslie would have. I knelt by the side of the bed.

"Goodbye May Belle. Queen."

She stirred a little but didn't wake. I walked out, closing the door gently. And there was only one thing left to do.

I put on my shoes and left the house for what I hoped would be the last time. Some doubt entered my head. I quickly blocked it out. There was a light drizzle in the air, and I let myself be caught up in the early morning scent for a few seconds, tipping my head back and letting the moisture fall onto my face.

And then my feet took me back, back to the crime scene, back to my – OUR – old haven. The bridge to Terabithia came into sight, and immediately a small sense of pride welled up in me, despite everything.

For the first time in years, I stepped onto the wooden planks and looked out over the edge into the water. Oh, how much happiness and pain had come from this place. The memories came back to me as I walked across.

I thought of the first time Leslie ever brought me here, when she pronounced me King of this place, and all of the lazy afternoons we'd shared... of all the lazy afternoons we SHOULD have shared... and nights...

But who's to say if she ever...? I didn't want to think about it, though, so I shook myself back to reality and concentrated on the task at hand.

I went to the edge of the creek and kept going. The water was quite cool. Clean, even. I walked until it chilled my legs, chest, neck, and then my mouth, and nose and eyes. Then I walked some more. Deeper and deeper down into the rising creek.

The top surged above me; I couldn't even reach the surface anymore, from where I was, and slowly let the water fill my lungs.

_Is this how dying feels like?_ I wondered. _Is this what Leslie felt?_

I started to lose consciousness. A nice, peaceful feeling settled over me, like a warm blanket.

And finally, the pain was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up some time later. Whether a few seconds, minutes, or days, I don't know, but I was awake again.

I was mildly surprised at this revelation as I checked my own body to make sure nothing was harmed. Everything was the same as before. Except it wasn't raining; not a cloud in the sky. In fact, it was as sunny a day in March as I'd ever seen.

Was it heaven? _Was_ there a heaven? I hoped it wasn't. She didn't believe in heaven, after all. But I was still in Terabithia, and nothing had changed besides the weather... and the bridge. Looking back, I saw that there was no bridge connecting it to the real world anymore, and I wondered vaguely if some trespasser had taken it away. There was no rope, either. I couldn't see anything further than the edge of this place through the trees.

All of it unnerved me a little. I didn't have time to dwell on things, though, because just then, I heard footsteps coming up from behind me.

"Jess?"

I whipped my head around and was lost for a breath and a half when I saw her again.

I almost didn't recognize Leslie at first, I have to admit, as it was an older-looking version of her. Maybe a few inches taller, too. She was a lot shorter than me now, but it was my old friend, all right. Wearing the same outfit as the very first time I ever saw her, arm socks and all, she looked none worse for the wear, even after death.

I quickly closed the distance between us, and we embraced. "Oh my God, Leslie. I hoped you would be here, so badly," I muttered, squeezing her tightly. "I just wanted another chance..."

"What? What do you mean?" she asked, pulling back. She touched my face lightly with her fingers, in awe. "How did you get here?"

I looked down sadly, my vision blurring. "I'm sorry," was all I could say. "I'm so sorry about everything."

She put her arms around me again and brought us both to the ground. "Shh. Don't worry about it," she soothed, as I sobbed on her shoulder. It wasn't exactly the way I had wanted a reunion to start out, but I couldn't help anything by that point. My body was completely drained.

"I should have been there... I should have been there to care of you, but I failed... I failed as a king, Leslie. Can you ever forgive me? Can you...?" And still she just kept rocking me slowly and saying that it was all right._ It's all right_.

Eventually, I was able to calm down. We lay side by side on the grass, facing the sky in silence. I could tell she had a lot of questions for me, though. Some things never change.

So she sat up. "Jesse? Tell me why you're here, after all this time. I mean, I – something – brought me back after..."

"You died," I finished, glumly. "I know. I went to the service."

Her face was covered in a mask of dejection. "You're dead too, aren't you?" I didn't answer. "When I woke up," she continued, "I had no idea why I was brought back here; why I was destined to live the rest of my life in Terabithia. And then, the more I thought about it, the more I started to believe that there would eventually be two people here. If this place kept its queen, then it would also need its king – you." She took my hands in hers. "Please don't tell me you did it on purpose, Jess," she pleaded. "It hasn't been that long." I wanted to lie, but she already knew the answer. It was obvious.

"Leslie," I started. "... Damn, this is hard. Listen – the time that we had together was the best of my entire life, by far. I was miserable before I met you, and I would have always been miserable. But you changed all that. You and Terabithia, this place, gave my life meaning... And since you've been gone, my life has gone down the toilet. I'm just not the same without you." I looked up, and she was almost crying. The sight of it broke my heart. "I'm sorry," I sighed, "I just needed to say that. Always. And now, I want to make amends for what I did five years ago..."

"Don't," she interrupted. "Don't blame yourself, Jess. It was my mistake, a foolish girl's mistake, and I've come to terms with that." She hugged me again. Against my cheek, she whispered softly, "And I never would've been the same without you, either... But I knew you'd come back to me. However selfish that sounds."

"No..."

We stared at each other for a long time afterwards; seems to me now that we stood there for hours and hours. And I was lost... so deliciously lost in those ocean blue eyes that I hadn't seen for so long and missed so much. Everything else ceased to exist...

"Well," Leslie said, finally breaking the silence and smiling for the first time, "Enough about that. Can we just go back to the way things were, like normal again?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure," I nodded, recovering from my stupor. _What the heck just happened?_ Then another thought struck me. "But how? There's nothing to do here, no civilization. Is there another way out?"

She smiled. "The rules don't apply to us anymore, Jess. We can live here forever, and we don't have to leave... Come on. See, we even have The Chronicles of Narnia."

And indeed it was true. She led me back to our old treehouse, and there was a stack of books, piled high just like they were when she first brought them over.

"And clothes?"

She laughed. "No rules, remember? Another perk of being immortal."

"Wow. I'm going to have to get used to this..." I smirked. "I'm also going to have to get used to these ridiculous outfits that you wear. Again."

"Shut it, Aarons!" she replied, mock-offended. "I hope you haven't matured THAT much while I was gone!"

"Nah," I said, shaking my head. "But seriously, I like it. You were wearing this the first day I met you." She smiled at the memory. "I was out of breath from running, and you smiled at me just like you are right now... I think that's when I fell in love with you."

And then, I realized that I had quite possibly said too much. Leslie's mouth dropped open - in shock or disbelief, I couldn't tell.

"Well, wh- what I meant was..." I trailed off. Ok, this wasn't good.

_"Love"? Where the hell did that come from, Aarons?_ I cursed myself silently. _Way to ruin everything._

But it was true, wasn't it? I love her. The thought wasn't so much a shock as a revelation, and it was definitely the truth.

Meanwhile, Leslie was still standing there, stock still, probably waiting for me to continue, and the tension was so thick I could barely think straight. But I took a deep breath and knew that I had to come clean about the whole thing.

"Yeah," I started again, "I'm in love with you, ok? I... I can't help it, even if you don't feel the same way. And I know this is kind of awkward and weird or whatever, so please forgive me..." _You're blabbering on like an idiot. Get to the point!_ "But I love everything about you; always have. Like... the way you keep dressing in mismatched clothes, no matter what the bad guys think... how the sound of your laugh always makes my heart skip a beat... the way you look at me when we talk, like you really care. And also... you're beautiful." I shrugged helplessly. "You're even more beautiful than the last time I saw you."

Leslie blushed and looked away. "Oh, Jess. Thank you. I don't... I don't know what to say."

She was sort of pleased, I thought, but it was tempered with some uncharacteristic hesitation. And when she didn't speak anymore after that, I started to get really worried, so I nudged her.

"Well?" I asked. She glanced back up at me. "What about you?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, what do you think about all this? You know, after" – I gulped – "you get over my being partly responsible for your death, and all... How would you feel about us... maybe... going out together?"

She smiled slightly then, tears in her eyes, and shook her head almost admonishingly at me. "Do you even have to ask?"

And with that, she leaned forward and kissed me. I opened my mouth instinctively and couldn't suppress a moan when I felt her tongue on mine, caressing...

There would be many moments like this in the near and distant future. But it was right then that I knew, that everything would be ok.

**-**

**The End**


End file.
